Book Review: The Good News About Marriage

What if I told you that everything you thought you knew about marriage and divorce was wrong? You know, that 50% of marriages end in divorce and the divorce rate in the church is the same as in the rest of the world… Would you feel deflated? Would you be discouraged? Perhaps you would feel a bit hopeless, and maybe destined for defeat? I think most everyone would feel that way, and even the best of marriages might have times where the doubts of, “are we really going to make it” might creep in.

Shaunti Feldhahn (a research analyst) decided to examine the divorce rate, factors influencing the divorce rate, and then she found The GoodNews About Marriage! Basically, over the past several years we have been told the divorce rate is 50% in and out of the church, Church Matters!

Not only has the divorce rate never been close to 50%, it has never been the same for church attenders and non-church attenders (listento a sermon on Church Matters here). Feldhahn also discovered the actual divorce rate to be between 20-25%, with that number dropping in half for those attending church. These are just a few nuggets in this book I would recommend to anyone wanting positive information on marriage and the church!

Staying In Love - Promo

This Sunday we are starting Staying In Love at First Baptist Jenks. I am really excited to see how this goes and what God does through the marriages in our church. In my opinion, there is not a better communicator than Andy Stanley and I am sure this will be great! Here is a promo video about the series:

The Romance Factor

The Romance Factor
Use all five senses to connect with your spouse.

Remember when you and your spouse were dating? When dinner was consumed to the strains of soft music instead of to Sponge Bob? In the day-to-day busyness of married life, romance is often the first thing to go. Yet the “Romance Factor” can have a high impact on the success of your marriage.

The Romance Factor encompasses much more than just sex. It invokes the five senses: sight, smell, sound, taste, and touch. It’s the emotional, spiritual, and physical connection between a husband and wife.

In my work as a romantic events planner and consultant, I discuss romantic preferences with a lot of husbands and wives. You might be surprised to hear that many men enjoy romance just as much as women!

Yet, many marriages neglect the Romance Factor. We’re so busy with our children, houses, jobs, and church obligations, that we forget to reserve time just for our spouse. After a long day, we collapse into bed, exhausted. No time—or energy—for romance.

But with a little effort, romance can become second nature. While planning ahead is great, so is a spontaneous romantic evening. Try the following techniques, and see if you don’t find yourself spending an unforgettable evening with the one you love.

The Sight of Romance
Start by making your bedroom a romantic sanctuary, where you can shut out the world and enter a paradise created for two. Sight plays a significant part in everyday life, so just imagine how important it is to romance. Many are attracted by the sight of their intended before they actually speak to them. So make your sanctuary a sight to behold.

You can do this by making just a few minor adjustments to the room. First, clear the clutter. If your bedroom is like most, it may have become a catchall for clothes, papers, books, and toys. Once you’ve achieved a clean room, change the lighting by adding candles—the more, the better. Choosing lower wattage light bulbs will give you a similar effect. The soft glow of candlelight will enhance the appearance of even the most ordinary room.

Next, spruce up the room with flowers and rose petals. Don’t worry about creating a mess; concentrate on creating an oasis. Be careful not to overdo the flowers, though, since their fragrance can be overpowering. You may opt for artificial or silk flowers as a resourceful substitute.

You may even consider a few decorating tricks to enhance the bed. Drape sheer, richly colored fabrics across your headboard, over your window treatments, or hang them from the ceiling (with hooks from your local hardware store). You’re going for exotic here, so the sky’s the limit. Imagination plays a large part in how appealing your romantic oasis will be.

The Smell of Romance
Scent is an important component in the art of romance. Smell can be an excellent inlet to passion; it stimulates areas in the brain that affect the way we feel and react. Just think of the way you respond when you smell fresh bread baking. The aroma causes your taste buds to swell, your mouth to water, and your mind to wonder. Scent is a powerful instrument.

Aromatherapy is making quite an impact these days. Experiment with different fragrances to find which ones work best with you and your mate.

Some I’ve found to be particularly effective are vanilla, coconut, chocolate, lavender, and jasmine. Scented candles are excellent for stimulating two senses instead of one: sight and smell. Check out some of the aromatherapy stores in your area.

The Sound of Romance
Sound can mean music playing softly or the way you whisper your spouse’s name. Speaking in low sexy tones is a definite turn-on for many men. The soft sound of a woman’s voice in its natural God-given state can melt the strongest man’s heart.

The music you choose is just as important. Whether it’s soothing jazz or your favorite oldies but goodies, make it something you both enjoy. Music melts away the day’s stresses and struggles. And music can also be the catalyst to another technique, touch. Music sets the stage for dancing, if your sanctuary is large enough. If not, just listening with your love can be stimulating.

The Taste of Romance
My grandmother used to say the best way to a man’s heart was through his stomach. Boy, is that true. Sometimes nothing inspires a man more than a mouthwatering meal and sweet treats. Prepare a simple yet elegant meal for two or a tray of delectable mini desserts. Experiment with tropical, exotic tastes and don’t forget the dark chocolate, which is said to be an effective aphrodisiac.

You don’t have to be Betty Crocker in the kitchen. Many grocery stores have freshly prepared meals in the deli section. Even those chocolate-covered strawberries are readily available in the produce section. Your favorite restaurant is also a good place to provide meals on the go.

The Touch of Romance
This is the last and definitely the most powerful element in the Romance Factor. The bond of physical contact is one of God’s most enduring senses. In the beginning of life, the touch of a mother to her newborn begins the human need for touch. We’re created to crave this on a daily basis. A hug, a caress, or a kiss arouse the tiny blood vessels located just beneath the skin in our bodies. In a marriage, touch forms a connection between husband and wife. One way to use touch is through the art of massage. Try taking a massage class together or get a book on proper massage techniques. This will teach you about pressure points and areas of concentration for a romantic, relaxing evening.

Caution!There’s one important prerequisite to using the Romance Factor techniques: communication. Communicate honestly with your spouse to learn his or her wants and needs. Just ask. Sometimes, too, a little experimentation will reveal what each of you likes or dislikes. Then let the Romance Factor take your breath away.


By Twanda R. Smith, for the study, “What’s Romance Got to Do With It?”

How to Avoid Fatal Attractions by Rick Warren

Pastor, it breaks my heart to see ministries ruined by unfaithfulness. Unchecked lust in the life of a pastor is incredibly destructive to the ministry of the Church. You and I are human. We're subject to the same temptations everyone else is. But sexual sins can be fatal to a ministry. Here are six actions to remember as you battle "fatal attractions."

1. Make a commitment to keep God's standards.
You've got to be willing to do what the Bible says. Psalm 119:9 (NIV) says, "How can a young man keep his way pure? By living according to your word." There are a lot of places you can look for values and standards to base your decisions on: self-help books, television, movies. But, pastor, if you don't want to fall victim to a fatal attraction, you must decide once and for all to make a commitment to keep God's standards revealed in his instruction manual, the Bible.It won't lead you wrong.

God says we're to enjoy sex within the context of marriage. Some people get confused on this point. They wonder why God restricts their freedom if he loves them. But as a parent, you wouldn't let your children do whatever they want. Why? We love our kids. We want to protect them. Our rules are for their good. God's rules are for our good, too. Decide today that you'll obey God's truth or none of the other steps will matter.

2. Maintain your marriage.
If you want a strong marriage, you've got to maintain it. You need to rekindle the romance. Proverbs 5:18-19 (TLB) says, "Rejoice in your wife. Let her charms and tender embrace satisfy you. Let her love alone fill you with delight."

The Bible tells us to "rejoice" in our wife, and then "be satisfied." In other words, don't compare your spouse. There's no such thing as a perfect mate. The grass is not greener on the other side of the fence; it's greener where you water it. The problem is in most married people have no spontaneity in their love life. There's boredom in the bedroom.

While you're married, you will be attracted to other people. But God says redirect that attraction toward your mate. Rejoice in your own mate.

3. Manage your mind.
You need to understand how temptation works. James 1:14-15 (TLB) says, "Temptation is the pull of our own evil thoughts and wishes. These...thoughts lead to evil actions." The battle starts in the mind. If Satan gets your attention, then he gets your feelings. If he gets your feelings, then he gets your actions. Some say, "I'd never do this. I'm just dreaming about it." Who are you kidding?

Thoughts determine feelings, and feelings determine actions. The key to avoiding sexual temptations is to control your thoughts. Jesus said in Matthew 5:28, "Anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart." Adultery starts in the head before it gets to the bed.

Lust isn't physical attraction. It isn't being aroused. That's just being human. You see a nice-looking person and you're attracted. Lust is the desire to possess. In other words, "If I could, I would." It's not the initial feelings and reactions. That's just part of humanity. God gave those instincts to you, but you must manage them.

4. Monitor your media intake.
We are in a sex-saturated society. We are bombarded by visual and verbal stimulation every moment of the day. In advertising, sex sells everything from bingo to batteries to bananas. Lust is big business. Most "love" songs are really lust songs. You pick up a magazine or a novel - and it's everywhere.

Studies have shown that the vast majority of sex on television is between people who aren't married. Every time you watch these escapades, your guard drops a bit. The Bible says that the eye is the gate to the soul. Matthew 6:22-23 (NIV) says, "The eye is the lamp of the body. If your eyes are good, your whole body will be full of light. But if your eyes are bad, your whole body will be full of darkness." What you see is what you become.

If you're serious about dealing with sexual temptations, you're going to have to give up about 80 percent of the movies that are out there today. Some of you are saying, "I can watch that stuff. It doesn't affect me." Don't believe it. 2 Timothy 2:22 (NLT) says, "Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts."

If you're sitting in a movie and realize you've made a mistake, get up and walk out. If you put in a DVD and realize it's not something you should watch, don't watch it. I've walked out of a lot of movies, changed the channel on a lot of TV shows, and returned a number of PG videos. If you're serious about dealing with this issue, you've got to monitor your media intake.

5. Minimize the opportunities for temptation.
If you want to avoid a fatal attraction, don't allow yourself to be in situations where it happens. Matthew 6:41 (GNB) says,"Keep watch, and pray so that you will not fall into temptation." Jesus gives two preventative measures in this verse: keep watch and pray.

"Keep watch" means be alert and wise. Know the situations that tempt you so you can stay away from them. Are you aware of what trips you up? One area that trips up many people today is that couples spend much less time together than ever before. With both men and women working, and both working long hours and traveling, our quality time - or quantity time - is lower than ever. If you typically struggle when you or your spouse is out of town, then maybe you need to limit the amount of time you are away from one another.

Maybe for you it's a certain set of friends that always lead you down the wrong path. It's simple. Stay away. Friends that lead you to lust after someone who is not your spouse aren't really friends.

6. Magnify the consequences.
You need to ask yourself, "Is this worth it?" Temptation is incredibly short-sighted. There are enormous consequences to breaking God's laws. Pastor, I'm sure you've heard the hurtful cries from spouses hurt by unfaithfulness. You should understand this. When we break God's laws, they break us. It always causes pain, bitterness, and masses of problems. It's just not worth it.

James 1:12 (NIV) says, "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him." I want one of those victor crowns someday. He's saying, "Deny the lesser to gain the greater."

I have only "known" one woman in my life - my wife. By the grace of God I intend to be faithful to her the rest of my life. Why? I love Jesus Christ, and I owe everything I have to him. To hurt him is unbearable. Second, I love my wife and kids. I cannot bear the thought of hurting them. But also, I fear the wrath of God. Unfaithfulness is a serious issue with God. The Bible says in Proverbs 16:6, "The man who fears the Lord shall avoid evil." That's a healthy fear. God does not let people get away with lust and unfaithfulness. Why? He loves us too much to let unfaithfulness destroy our relationship.

Sermon on Sex

Last Sunday I preached a sermon on sex at First Baptist Jenks. Let me know what you think. Click here to listen: God's Gift To Your Marriage.

4 Ways to Rekindle Intimacy

1. Don't just tell your mate you love her. Tell her why you love her. She knows you love her; she craves to know why. Adding "because" at the end of "I love you" increases intimacy in your marriage. "I love you because you're so unselfish …"

2. Reintroduce the element of surprise.
Identify patterns and break routines. Become unpredictable. Celebrate anything and everything. Buy the unexpected present. Take an unplanned trip.

3. Strive to out-please each other.
Out-pleasing each other means putting your spouse's happiness first—especially in the mundane moments of life. When he washes the dishes, respond by keeping the kids out of his hair while he's watching the football game. But …

4. Don't keep score.
Marriage breaks down when you constantly compare your sacrifices to your mate's. Concentrate on your giving and you will become one.

By Jim Magruder

11 Easy (and Free!*) Ways to Say "I Love You"

To strengthen unions, marriage experts advise couples to "make weekly dates" or "go away on a couple's weekend." Those are great ideas, but let's be realistic: how often can busy couples expect to drop everything and get away? These 11 quick and simple ways to express love let busy couples rekindle romance among the chaos of everyday life.

1. Embrace your past. Assemble a scrapbook together, pull out your wedding video, or write your own personal romance story. Reliving special memories together is a great way to strengthen your bond.

2. Be kids together. Have a pillow fight, challenge each other to a game of hopscotch, or cuddle on the couch and laugh as you watch cartoons.

3. Wrap your mate in love. While your sweetie showers, sneak his towel into the dryer, and as he steps out, wrap him in fluffy warmth. Or use the same idea to warm her feet when she snuggles in bed on a chilly autumn night.

4. Speak the languages of love. Surprise your "amante" (Italian for "lover") with some international sweet talk. Access an exhaustive list of ways to say "I love you" in different languages at www.electpress.com/loveandromance/iloveyou.htm.

5. Write love notes to each other. Spell it out in his oatmeal with raisins, on her dashboard with yarn, or use lipstick on your bathroom mirror. Compose your own poem, borrow a verse from Song of Songs, or just write "I love you."

6. Turn on the charm. Who says you have to stop flirting once you're married? At your next party, wink at him across a crowded room, or slip your arm around her as you make social small talk. That personal connection amid the crowd is like saying, "This is great, but I'd rather be with you!"

7. Connect online. E-mail your spouse throughout the day, just to say you're thinking of him.

8. Remember the little things. When you step in to help with the day-to-day "drudge" chores—making dinner, bathing the kids—your spouse knows she's appreciated and loved. And completing a chore for your sweetie frees more time and energy for the two of you to enjoy other activities together.

9. Send it snail mail. Take time to write an encouraging note, slap a stamp on it, and mail it. Your spouse will love the surprise—especially since it won't be a credit card bill or junk mail!

10. Celebrate everything. Most couples celebrate the anniversary of their marriage or first date, but how about the anniversary of your engagement, or first kiss? (If you don't remember, make it up!) There have been all kinds of milestones throughout your relationship, so mark each one with flowers, a card, or a romantic interlude.

11. Just say it. Your spouse needs to hear those three simple words daily. Whisper it, sing it, shout it. Say it.

* or almost free!
By Beverly Dillard

Children of Divorced Families

In the highly acclaimed report, The Effects of Divorce on America, Patrick Fagan and Robert Rector point out that “a child living with a single mother is 14 times more likely to suffer serious physical abuse than those in two-parent families, twice as likely to drop out of school, three times as likely to get pregnant as a teenager, and far more likely to commit suicide.” Katherine Kersten puts it on the line when she writes, “What is the No. 1 public health threat to American children? . . . The greatest health threat to American children is none of these. It is something we, as parents, bring on our children ourselves: divorce.”

Children of Divorced Families are:
 Twice as likely to drop out of high school.
 Twice as likely to have a child before age twenty.
 One-and-a-half times as likely to be idle—out of school and out of work—in their late twenties.
 Have lowered academic performance
 Are four times as likely to be suspended or expelled from school.
 Experience “anger, fear, sadness, worry, rejection, conflicting loyalties, lowered self-confidence, heightened anxiety, loneliness, more depressed moods, and more suicidal thoughts.
 Have negative long-term effects in income, health and behavior, even thirty years after the divorce.

From God on Sex by Daniel Aikin.

Divorce is terrible for kids... fight for your marriage!

Marriage and Love... What did you expect!

A biblical view of marriage = a flawed person + a flawed person + a fallen world + a faithful God!



True pure perseverant biblical love is not formed out of duty, it is formed out of gratitude (to God).



Thanks for Justin Taylor for sharing this.

Ways to Spice Up Your Intimacy

Here are 20 Ways To Spice Up Your Intimacy By Jill Savage. If you read these and can think of more, please post your comments and I will add them to the overall list.

1. Turn on the electric blanket or heated mattress pad 30 minutes before your spouse heads to bed.
2. Empty the dishwasher or do the dishes without being asked.
3. Make coffee or tea in the morning and take it to the bathroom while your spouse is getting ready.
4. Unload the groceries and put them away—especially if your spouse went to the store alone.
5. Open her car door.
6. Make his favorite dessert.
7. Surprise your spouse by cleaning and vacuuming their car.
8. While your spouse is in the shower, throw a towel in the dryer, then place the heated towel where they can reach it.
9. Take the children for a couple hours and give her some time alone.
10. Put your arm around her in church.
11. Rub your spouse's back.
12. Buy your spouse's favorite candy bar or magazine when you stop to fill your gas tank.
13. Show excitement about doing something your spouse wants to do.
14. Warm/cool the car and scrape the windows after a frost or snow/heat.
15. Tell your friends—and family!—how smart your spouse is.
16. Fill your spouse's car with gas when you drive it.
17. Invite her to cuddle while watching television.
18. Take off a half-day just for the two of you.
19. Fold and put away the laundry.
20. Pray a blessing over your spouse—then tell them what you prayed for.
21. Write a note to your spouse and hide it for them to find later.

Man Up by Mark Driscoll

Mark Driscoll on men acting like little boy's:

Marriage Stimulus Package

The Marriage Stimulus Package is an unprecedented effort to jumpstart our families, to save marriages, and address long-neglected challenges so our church can thrive in the 21st century. This is an extraordinary response to a crisis unlike any other. With much at stake, the Package provides for unprecedented levels of transparency and accountability so that you will be able to know how, when, and where to connect to God and others. Be our guest at Frist Baptist Jenks March 29-May 3 for this great opportunity.